The grass is greener ...

http://www.derwinlgray.com/2012/02/grass-is-greener-where-its-watered.html

How Do I Face ANYONE Ever Again Now???

Posted on November 18, 2011 by DeaconBluesBlog.com

   

I don’t know how I’m supposed to face the people I work with again… Having had a 3 day total meltdown of biploar mess fueled by anxiety on so many levels I can’t even begin to explain.

From throwing up for the last 3 days, to sitting in my training group shaking like a recovering addict in withdrawals. To outright crying and not being able to move to run away or hide it. Right there in front of half my department and my supervisor…

Being asked if I needed to leave by one of our Senior Managers (who I know was just trying to help and be kind) and me having to try to explain that I just need to get it done and over with and not drag out the anxiety of it all anymore. Trying to explain WHY I’m falling apart like a house of cards in a windstorm. It’s impossible to explain to someone who has no real world point of reference with Bi-Polar disorder, and social anxiety issues, not to mention having just realized you’ve developed issues with being in large crowds.

To say that messing with a persons sleep schedule who has bi-polar is like setting a house on fire, and then adding public speaking and social anxiety issues is like throwing jet fuel on the house fire… well it’s apt.. but if they have no personal real world point of reference, surely it just sounds like an excuse of a fool…

Now how am I supposed to ever face the people I work with again? They were so kind and concerned, and I appreciate it. I truly do, but I’m just so embarrassed beyond belief. I’ve not even looked in a mirror in the last now 4 days because of this. Add to that leadership including MY direct supervisor, and our director and one of the managers…

Yeah, it’s embarrassing enough on it’s own.. but now if I ever apply for another job I’m going to have to go completely out of our division and pray that it wasn’t discussed with any of the people from the other side of our business…

So yeah, I passed the training after having to go and do it in private and half assed – all the while shaking uncontrollably… But I also probably just sealed my fate in this company.

I’m now the crazy weepy guy that gets so emotionally destroyed that he can’t even eat… How am I ever supposed to live this down, let alone look anyone in the face again? They all just saw first hand about 70% of how screwed up I am… I’m starting to think that therapy and meds may not be enough… I probably should just be committed for my own safety and to not make the people around me uncomfortable.

I know part of this is the bipolar talking cause I’m in a nose dive after all of this… but I really wish I could just vanish and fade out of site and memory.

And I’m supposed to somehow muster the courage to somehow, someday, meet someone that might care about me more than as a friend…?? How could I ever impose my mountain of disaster onto someone kind enough to care. I’d feel guilty every day… Hell.. I feel guilty now…

How do I go back to anything resembling a normal life??

I don’t know why I’m even posting this. I suppose to just get it out of my head, but also likely as a way for me to MAYBE leave a note for people that wonder why I’m likely going to be so emotionally shut down the next time they see me.

Or maybe it’s just one more way I can seal the deal with my public humiliation and my own twisted feeling that I deserve the looks and whispers that may or may not be happening…

DB

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.”

- Thich Nhat Hanh

When they discover the center of the universe ...

http://www.jokeroo.com/pictures/funny/quote-of-day.html

Hard to Love ... Lee Bryce

"You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours."

- Yogi Berra

http://www.poctos.com/live/yogi-berra

"The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself."

- Garth Brooks



http://bad---blood.xanga.com/726910944/item/

(Really?!?! I mean, I love Garth and all, but HE said this? Good quote, Mr. Brooks. Good quote.)

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In all the superior people I have met, I notice directness, truth spoken more truly, as if everything of obstruction, of malformation, had been trained away. What have they to conceal? What have they to exhibit? Between simple and noble persons, there is always a quick intelligence: they recognize at sight, and meet on a better ground than the talents and skills they may chance to possess, namely, on sincerity and uprightness. For, it is not what talents or genius a man has, but how he is to his talents, that constitutes friendship and character. The man that stands by himself, the universe stands by him also.

http://www.rwe.org/complete-works/vi---conduct-of-life/v-behavior.html

http://sacredsigns.blogspot.com/2009_06_01_archive.html

Happy Birthday Desmond Howard!

http://explow.com/1991_green_bay_packers_season

1897 "Stars and Stripes Forever" by John Phillip Sousa was registered.

Yep. May 14, 1897. Thanks, JPS!

http://inventors.about.com/od/todayinhistory/a/may.htm

http://www.chicagonow.com/parenting-without-a-parachute/2012/03/what-makes-a-good-mom/

"Civility is important for our society to function."

- Tony Dungy The One Year Uncommon Life Daily Challenge

capitalism, free enterprise, and excess

Believing in true capitalism and free enterprise does NOT mean believing in Wall Street and corporate monopoly, any more than believing in God means believing in church and religion.—Nathan, a New England enterpreneur defending American capitalism but condemning it’s excesses.

via http://ftloveblog70.wordpress.com/category/intelligent-quote-of-the-day/

Fishing opener ...

Hope

By Lisel Miller It hovers in dark corners Before the lights are turned on, It shakes deep sleep from its eyes And drops from mushroom gills, It explodes in starry heads Of dandelions turned sages, It sticks to the wings of green angels That sail from the tops of maples. It sprouts in each occluded eye Of the many-eyed potato, It lives in each earthworm segment Surviving cruelty, It is the motion that runs From the eyes to the tail of a dog, It is the mouth that inflates the lungs Of the child that has just been born. It is the singular gift We cannot destroy in ourselves, The argument that refutes death, The genius that invents the future, All we know of God. It is the serum which makes us swear Not to betray one another; It is in this poem, trying to speak.

"Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life."

- Immanuel Kant

http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/26217.html

Gone too soon ...

Tiaina Baul "Junior" Seau, Jr. (January 19, 1969 – May 2, 2012)

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

- Proverbs 19:21

Happy May Day

Do you know why people celebrate May Day? ...

Here's a link to let you know what May Day means in Germany: http://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/germany/may-day